


Spoon

by Hasegawa



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AU, Angst, Arthur Kirkland - Freeform, F/M, Gen, M/M, Slice of Life, UKxChina, Yao Wang - Freeform, kouchagumi, repost from FF net
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29732715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hasegawa/pseuds/Hasegawa
Summary: When being independent means being lonely. When communication didn't work and commitment equals to fear. Pairing: UK X China. Warning: AU, OoC.Real life situation.
Relationships: China/England (Hetalia)
Kudos: 2





	Spoon

**Author's Note:**

> This is posted back in 2010 in f f net.

Yao kept his silence while watchin how his family has grown into the kind of complicated family worth members enough to fill a round family table in a Chinese restaurant. They were, as usual, having their monthly family dinner. They had it in the usual place, a Chinese restaurant downtown which was famous for its dinner yum cha varieties. But Yao felt like he was somewhere else, alienated and alone. 

Usually it was just his parents and him; his father would sit by his left and his mother sat on Yao's right side. They would eat the usual yum cha varieties. His mother loved the dumpling and his father wanted the chicken feet. Then Yao would have his favorite black sesame porridge as dessert. Usually, everybody was happy. 

Until 2 years ago. Now his family has broke up and grown, depended on how he saw it, because his parents had divorced and both remarried within the year. His mother has married another guy who has a twin set of boys. His father had married another lady who has three children, boy-girl-boy respectively. And thus, his family has grown. Now Yao was the oldest brother of 6 siblings with 2 sets of parents--two papa(s) and two mama(s). 

The twins' names were Yong Soo and Hyong Soo. The other sets of siblings were Kiku, Taiwan and Hong. That night was the first time Yao met them to eat together. They stared at each other awkwardly, but since everybody was brought under strict Asian culture, everybody respected everybody. They started the dinner in peace and continued to maintain the said peace. 

Yao stared on his plate. It was empty. Usually it never was. Either his father or his mother would urge Yao to get something to eat, or putting stuffs on his plate. His plate used to be always full with dumplings or chicken feet. But tonight, his plate was clean. 

His father was busy smiling and putting chicken feet on his stepchildren's plates. His mother was busy urging her stepsons to eat more dumplings. And Yao's stepparents were busy talking to each other, in the desperate attempts to stay civilized. 

And Yao's plate remained empty. 

Somehow it made everything unbearable. Yao bit his lips. He looked at his father, but he was too busy trying to engage Kiku in conversation. Yao turned to his mother, just to find that his mother was laughing at Yong Soo's unfunny joke. 

Yao felt alienated. It was a Saturday night, the place was crowded, and everybody was shouting to each other because of the noises level. The whole place was so cramped and hot. Yet Yao felt alone, silent and cold. 

"I want the dumpling, aru." 

Yao tugged his mother's arm. But his mother smiled. 

"You can get it yourself, Yao." 

Failed, Yao turned to his father. 

"I want the chicken feet too, aru." 

His father smiled when he heard Yao's voice and answered, "Yes, but please wait until everybody else get theirs because this is their first time trying this restaurant. Please be patient, Yao." 

Yao swallowed and his mind wondered. He always wanted to be a spoon. He hates chopsticks. The Chinese utensils were hard to use and they needed to be used in _pairs_. Yao liked spoon better because spoon can always be used alone. So he needed nothing else. Just spoon. 

Yao knew he was just being childish. His mother was right, he was already 8 years old. he could take his own food. His father was right, everybody else needed the chicken feet more than him, because Yao has been eating the same thing for years now. And since he was the oldest, he should be mature and calm and wide hearted and be more patient. 

But his plate stayed empty. Even until they ordered the dessert.

Yao's eyes started to blurry. He bit his lips, trying to keep his silence, despite his growling stomach. It was not like he couldn't get food on his own, it was just he really wanted someone to put it on his plate. He needed someone to put a damn something on his plate. Anything. But the longer he waited, the clearer it was that he was ignored. 

Was it because his parents were divorced? Was it because he was no longer their only child? Was it because he was the oldest child on the table? Was it because his parents were too busy taking care of their other family? Was it because he was no longer the most important thing in his parents' life? Was it because they no longer love each other, so they no longer love him? Would it be like this onwards? 

And the cup of black sesame porridge appeared on the table center. He stopped thinking and watched how the porridge cup moved alongside the spinning table center. Yao wanted it so much, he could feel it in his mouth, it was the most delicious thing, it was the one which always his. But his mother took the cup and presented it in front of the twin. 

Yao was frozen. But then his father ordered another black sesame porridge, and Yao was sure his father remembered and ordered it for him. Yao.

But his father put it in front of Taiwan and Hong, smiling, saying that the thing tasted great and it was one of the specialties of the restaurant. 

That was it. Yao gritted his teeth. He was not happy. He was not full. He was angry and hungry and disappointed and sad. Following his blind rage, he took his empty plate and smashed it onto the floor. 

The plate shattered into million pieces with a loud noise. 

Everybody stopped to find out what happened. The room was suddenly very still. 

"Ya..Yao..." His mother stuttered, "Why did you drop the plate, my son?" 

"Yao, what is this? Tell us why you are so careless like this!" His father scolded him loudly. 

Yao's eyes became blurry. Tears started to flow down his cheek. His father and mother looked taken aback and they tried to touch him, but Yao flinched and snapped away from his parents' arms. He ran instead to the bathroom he knew so well and went in. He entered the last cubicle and started to sob. 

_Please, please let someone come,_ Yao sobbed and sobbed. _Please let one of his parents to come and care and ask him why, sooth him and ask him to go back to the dining hall. Please, please, please._

His hands grew cold and his stomach grumbled. But still, nobody came. 

"...Yao?" 

_Finally._ Yao perked up. He stayed silent and refused to open the cubicle's door, but he kept his ears opened. 

"Yao? Come out, son." 

It was his father. Yao finally opened the door and looked at him. But he wasn't smiling or looking apologetic. His father was angry instead. 

"Don't be such an immature boy! I never raised you like this! You cannot just smash your plate because you didn't get your porridge! Now, apologise to everyone and then you can get your own porridge!" 

Yao couldn't believe his ears. His father was angry at him instead of trying to appease Yao. It was somehow Yao's fault. 

"... But I am hungry, aru." 

"Nonsense! We have ordered a lot of food, and when I asked who wants the leftover, you didn't say anything! Don't be so childish over a porridge!" 

_It's not a porridge!_ Yao wanted to scream. _It's not about food! It's about how I am angry and hungry an alone! I hated to be ignored!_

But Yao stayed silent and only sobbed louder instead. His father's face fell and started to soothe his son. 

"Yao, come on, stop crying. Fine, I am not angry over the plate anymore..." 

_It's not that, aru!_

"... Come. Let's go back to the table and you will apologise. Then we will go home..."

_It's not, NOT that, aru!  
_

"... and your mother is waiting. Let's go." 

_It's not that, aru... It's not that. It's...._

* * *

He woke up from his dream. 

Beside him laid Arthur, smoking his cigs while reading the morning newspaper. The Brit looked at Yao and wiped the man's tears. 

"Finally, you are awake. Nightmare, Yao?" 

Yao refused to answer and stayed silent. Arthur sighed. 

"Fine. I won't ask. But you need to move. You have a lecture this morning, don't you?"

Yao nodded and rose up. He stretched his body and wiped his cheek. It was dry from crying. Embarrassing. He still cried from a dream about his childhood memory. Shame on him. 

Yao moved from the bed and paraded half naked (he was only wearing Arthur's pajama tops) across the room. It was Arthur's apartment, tidy and stiff just like how he liked. The only unusual thing was Yao's clothes, which scattered all over the floor from a very heated last night. Yao took his pants from the floor and continued walking to the bathroom when suddenly Arthur asked. 

"... Have you thought about my suggestion of moving in together, Yao?" 

Yao's feet were halted. He turned to the British man on the bed. They have been going out for a year. They met up in the arts lecture, in university thousands of miles away from Yao's country. From the single dinner where he was convinced his parents didn't care about him anymore, Yao has left his country. Instead, he lived in boarding houses all through his middle and high school, then took a university course 12 hours airplane trip away from his homeland. 

"... No. I don't want to think about it, aru." 

"It's been a year since we went out. My parents approved of you. My apartment is big enough for both of us. I cannot wait longer than this." 

"... Then you can just break it up with me, aru." 

"Not this again." Arthur sighed and put down his newspaper. "Why are you so afraid of commitment?" 

"..." Yao bit his lips. He had been living alone ever since the night he despise so much. He was convinced his parents' disinterest, so he took part time jobs (he was multi-skilled because of that) and lived his life alone. He never contacted home, jumped from partners to partners, places to places. He saw everyone as friends with benefit, causing so many heartbreaks along the way. Yet he has stayed with the British man for a year already, which was a record for him. So he understood what Arthur meant. He also knew Arthur wanted him to move in because Yao was practically spending most of the days in a week inside Arthur's apartment anyway. But still, he felt uncomfortable when the thought about the prospect of living together with someone else. "... I am not afraid. Give me more time, aru." 

"No matter how long I give you time, I am sure you won't ever come to a decision. Yao, we need to talk about this. We really need to talk about your fear." 

"I am not afraid of anything, aru." Yao hissed and looked away. "If you really think I am that indecisive, why don't you just ditch me, aru? You can find better lovers who willing to move in with you. I don't care." 

"Not this again..." Arthur sighed. "I have told you so many times, I only want you. I can wait. But if you keep running like this, nothing will change and you will stay as a coward like now." 

Yao flinched. "I ... I am not a coward, aru." 

"... Come here." Arthur opened his arms, yet Yao stayed on his feet. So Arthur rose from the bed and walked towards Yao instead. Yao was a good head shorter than Arthur, so when Arthur hugged him, Yao's face was nicely buried on the other man's chest. 

"Don't push me away, please. I feel hurt everytime you tried to do it. Why don't you just be honest with me, what do you really want?" 

"I have told you, aru. Ia m not ready to move in." 

"Why? Because you are afraid I will invade your privacy?" 

"... No." They both knew it was true. Their privacy has diffused together during the year they have spent together. Now Arthur could proudly claim that he knew Yao put his money and bank stamp, whereas Yao could point immediately the place Arthur hid his collection of ero books. 

"Then?" 

"I don't know, aru. But I feel that if I move in, everything will crumble and change."

"Is that it? You are afraid our relationship would change?" 

"... I want to be independent, aru." 

"You are the most independent soul I've ever met, Yao. You paid your own school and living fee with all those odd jobs you took. You are self-sufficient and could do everything. You even had scholarship throughout. You are independent enough as it is." 

"Stop saying things like that about me. I don't like people pointing out those unimportant details. Hmph! look at you, getting millions per week from your share tradings, aru!"

  
Yao..." Arthur smiled. He just loved the deviant part of Yao. "Come on, I am sorry I kept it from you, but it's not like I win big everyweek. I have my bad days too. I didn't mention how I lost a million before I get those twenty, alright?"

Yao hugged back tighter. He basked himself in Arthur's scent. They were hugging each other in the middle of the room. It would look cheesy, but Yao loved it. Having long, continuous useless conversation with Arthur seemed to be Yao's newest habit. So, he continued. 

"Arthur... I don't know, aru. I am used with being alone. I don't want to depend on others. I was disappointed once, and it was... painful, aru." Yao stopped talking. He was surprised by his own voice. He was disappointed? When? Where? Why? 

"When was it, Yao? Tell me, please?" 

The memory of his childhood flashed clearly through his mind when Arthur asked. Yao bit his lips. Was that why he was so afraid of making any relationship? The memory of the last dinner he had with his family? _Ridiculous_. It was just a dinner. It was nothing. 

But maybe it was not nothing. Maybe it was everything. 

"When I was small..." Yao held his breath. It was hard to explain, but maybe Arthur could help. Maybe. "My parent divorced, aru." 

"Yes. I know that. In fact, that was the only thing I know about your family. Was that painful? Was that the reason why you are afraid of change, Yao?" 

"It wasn't like that, aru. You don't see the point. I was happy they separated. It was getting unbearable. The shoutings, the fights, the cold war... I was happy when they finally got their divorce, aru." 

Silence fell over them. Arthur waited, but the clock on the wall showed that if Yao didn't step out from his place in another 2 minutes, he would be late for the first class. 

"We can continue this later. You need to go now." 

"You don't have any class today, aru?"

"Today class is cancelled.: Arthur smiled and kissed the lithe beauty. Yao smiled and let go of Arthur. "Enjoy your day, my love." 

"I will, aru. Thank you."

* * *

He always ran whenever the other party has crossed the line of being intimate. It was a given that people whom he slept with started to care about him. But Yao always leave when they asked for commitment. He reasoned that he didn't want to be tied. He was still young after all. Only Arthur succeeded into wooing him into bed and stayed as his boyfriend for more than 3 months. 

Yao watched the boring slides and closed his eyes when suddenly his handphone vibrated. He saw that he got a message and opened it. He was caught unguarded when he read the sender's name. 

_Mother_. 

Yao bit his lips. Should he or should he not read the message? It has been years since he ever received message from his parents. While it was Yao's own wish to stay overseas and away from his family, his parents never really tried to contact him either. They were not good with phone--none could hold a conversation, or maybe because Yao was always busy to talked to them. His parents eventually made a point that they understood Yao's busy schedule and reduced the call attempts. 

Yao seldom came back home, too. In those years he was away, Yao only went back home once and felt awkward because he had no actual place to call home. Neither his father's house nor his mother apartment felt right. And since Yao was quite self sufficient and needed no approval from his parents once he was of legal age, the messages has reduced to almost zero. In recent years the message saying "happy birthday" was the only thing he received from and sent to his parents. And that was nobody's birthday. 

Should he or should he not? 

it took him half an hour to finally bring his eyes to read the message. 

_How are you? It's been so long. I only need to ask you something. When can you come back home? Please reply me ASAP._

Yao held his breath. The lecture forgotten, his mind was occupied by the message. 'Should he come home?' was the question. He didn't like the awkwardness when he went home last time. True, it was years ago, but he could still remember vividly how awkward it was in the airport when he was fetch by his father's new wife. He was uncomfortable with the forced conversation in the car, feeling bad when he saw how Kiku started at him in hatred for taking the younger boy's bedroom for the week (even though it used to be Yao's room when his parents were still living together in the said house). 

Yao could still remember how awkward it was when he moved to his mother's apartment with her new husband. He felt awkward having to share the room with the twins because they didn't have spare room. And the most unbearable thing was when his parents and their new husband/wife invited him to eat in the same Chinese restaurant again. Which he refused, but nevertheless it still was a nightmare. He was so relieved when he got into the airport check-in by the end of that week. 

So back to the question, should he or should he not answer? 

* * *

"I am here." Arthur walked closer to the sofa where Yao was sitting (Arthur has the spare key) and kissed the beautiful man's temple. It was Yao's apartment, smaller and barer than Arthur's because Yao didn't keep useless stuff. After getting a short message from Yao asking him to drop by, Arthur was intrigued and he went there as soon as he could. 

Yet Yao seemed like ignoring his greetings and continued starting blankly at the television. It was about cheap soap opera which made Arthur suspicious. Usually Yao wouldn't pay much attention to such TV content. 

"Are you not working today?"

"... I call in sick, aru." 

Arthur was immediately filled with concern. "Are you sick? Want me to drive you to the doctor?" 

"No, it's just some headache, aru." Yao changed the channel into news. But his face stayed impassive and his finger moved relentlessly on the remote. 

"You want to continue our talk this morning? Or is there something else bothering you? Tell me, Yao." 

"No. Nothing, aru." Yao turned to Arthur, pretending to smile. "How was your day?" 

"It was good. I won some good money. I got into a fight with another broker, but it ends well. Nevertheless, tell me what's going on. It's unusual for you to call in sick, much less just for a headache, Yao." Arthur took the seat beside his boyfriend and took the remote from him. 

Yao swallowed. he knew he couldn't divert the topic when Arthur was dead set on something. "Arthur, please tell me what to do? ... My mother messaged me. She asked me when ... I can go home, aru." 

"Talk about good timing. How about the starting summer holiday next week? I want to meet your parents since you have met mine. How about some local wine? Do they like wine? Or should I get something else? Maybe cigarettes or food..." 

"... I don't want to go home, aru." 

Arthur stopped muttering his thoughts about what should he bring for Yao's parents and watched as his lover took the remote and changed TV channels again. 

:"... Why?"

"Because I don't feel there as my home, aru. I hate to be awkward and imposing on their new families. I don't feel like belong there, aru. I... I just hate it." 

"But your mother asked you to come home. Maybe you should at least reply her?" 

"We have not play the family game for _years_ , aru." Yao bit his lips. He didn't know why he wanted to cry so badly. "And suddenly she asked me to go home? What home? Ridiculous, aru! I don't remember having their addresses on my passport!" 

Arthur sighed and pulled the raven haired beauty into his arms. Yao meekly obeyed the gesture. They shifted until they felt comfortable, before Arthur continued. 

"Maybe she just missed you?" 

"Impossible. 10 years I've been gone, aru. 7 happy birthday messages and that was it. She never cared. They never cared. What home? The last time I was there, my room has been changed into Kiku's room! And he made me feel like I was the one who took his room, aru! What home? Bullshit!!"

"Are you angry?" 

Yao stopped raging and dropped his head. "... I am not. Well I thought I was not. but I think maybe I am actually angry, aru." 

"I see." 

"Look, it has been years, aru. I have left home and they said nothing. They said they wanted to be supportive, and yet I felt like they have thrown me away, aru." 

"... Did they not try to contact you throughout the years?" 

"... I was an eight years old boy, aru. I asked to move away from home. Didn't that say anything to you? But they didn't care. So they followed my wish. I got my first part time job when I was 11, aru. Eleven. I even forged my ID for it. Shouldn't that tell you something? But they don't care. Then I moved even further. I only go home once in the 10 years I was away. But they didn't even ask me why. And I am sure they were relieved when I went back to my boarding house because they didn't care anymore. They praised me for being independent early because they don't need me to complicate their life with me. They wanted me out of their life. They won't even need to pay attention. I bet even if I pierced my whole body and colored my hair green and join the military they still won't care, aru. And now, suddenly asking me to go back home, aru? They are too selfish!" 

"Hsuh. It's alright, Yao." 

"No, it's not! I have been living alone all these years--lonely, hating every second when I see how all my friends have weekly calls or letters or return home every week, aru! I hate being the only one who stayed in the boarding house with the cleaner, aru! I spent my holidays working to pay my school fee, aru!"

"But did they not offer to pay for you?"

"... They did. But I didn't let them because I don't want to give them the satisfaction of thinking they provide me with living expenses, aru! I am independent and strong and I don't need to beg people who don't want want me, aru!" 

"Why do you think they don't want you, Yao?" 

Yao snapped and growled. "Why are you siding with them? They are the ones who clearly showed me how they don't care anymore! My plate remained empty until the end, aru! I didn't get my porridge at all, and I got scolded instead. Why can't you understand, aru? They just don't care anymore!" 

"Shhh... Calm down. Please tell me what plate and what porridge are you referring to?" 

Yao bit his lips and realised he was actually crying. Since when? 

Arthur's calming embrace made his rage subsided. Yao took a deep breath before continuing, "... When I was small, they got divorced, aru." 

"Yes, I can recall you telling me that." 

"... We used to be a happy family, aru. We used to spend a night every month, having dinner in this Chinese restaurant, aru. My parents would pile up foods on my plate until I said I am full, aru. Then we will get my favourite black sesame porridge as dessert." 

"I see. And then?"

"... They remarried. And they have new families. And when we went to the restaurant for the first dinner together, they were so busy with their new families and ..." Yao swallowed hard, "... My plate remained empty. I was hungry. But it stayed empty. I asked, but I was ignored. They even gave my porridge away, aru. I was angry. I smashed the plate. But they didn't care and scolded me instead. That same night I asked them to send me away to the boarding house. A week following that dinner, I was sent to the boarding place. I know they were happy I asked. So they don't need to think about whom I should live with aru. Because when they got divorced, I was not in their calculation. They assumed the other would care, aru." 

"... Maybe it's just your own imagination, Yao..." 

"Stop." Yao rose, body tensed. "I get it, You think I am wrong. You think I am being childish. You think I am being selfish, distancing myself yet want them to follow me, to woo me back. That's what you think, right, aru?" 

"No, Yao. Listen to me..."

"No. YOU listen. You said that you want me to talk. Now that I am talking, all you can do is siding with them. You think I am wrong, childish and selfish, right? Fine, aru. I don't need your opinion. Just leave please. I don't want to see you, aru." 

"I am not saying that." Arthur sighed and refused to move from the sofa. "I am thinking more to the fact that you never told them what you feel and they never made you understand what they were thinking. I think it's hard on both of you. They didn't know how to make you feel better and you don't know how to accept their separation. Tell me, did you ever tell them that you actually want your plate to be filled?" 

"I did, aru! But they said I need to be patient because apparently, their new families are more important than me. I was never important. I was always alone. So why should I think of them as important? Why should I listen? I don't care because they don't care!" 

"This is you. Caring. About them. You care, Yao. You wanted them to understand how lonely you feel. But you can't make them understand by staying silent and refused to see them, Yao. You need to tell them exactly what you think. If, after you told them, they still don't care about you, I will personally kick them. You can always leave them and live with me, Yao. My family likes you, that's for sure." 

"... So are you saying I need to go home, aru?" 

"Yes. And don't forget to tell them you are bringing me with you." 

"Can't I just not reply them, aru? Pretend I never read the message, aru?" 

"Yao, if you want to stay angry all your life, you can do that." 

Yao bit his lips. Arthur pulled him into his embrace tighter. The conversation ping-ponged between yes or no to replying the message. Eventually, Arthur won. After making sure Yao replied to the message, they went to bed together. 

* * *

"I used to want to be a spoon, aru." 

"Spoon?" 

"Yes, aru. Because spoon can always be used independently of other utensils. I want to grow faster, be independent faster, so I won't be depending on people who don't want me, aru." 

Arthur stared gently at his lover, who was staring out of the window. They were in the plane, 6 hours away from meeting Yao's family. Yao was restless and pale, clearly anxious and uncomfortable. They almost made a scene in the airport when Yao suddenly stopped moving in front of the immigration check queue and refused to move. Or when suddenly Yao had a stomachache, clearly determined to miss their flight. 

"But even spoon have it's own pair, Yao. If you want to be a spoon, I can be a fork. Then we are complimenting each other without being dependent on each other."

"Fork. I never think about it, aru." 

"It's alright. Everything will be fine." 

"... Why are you so sure about that, aru?" 

"Because we can finally move in together." Arthurs smirked. "Finally you can fully receive all of me. I won't disappoint you. I promise." 

"Stupid ahen!" Yao blushed and smiled back, before kissing his boyfriend. 

They steward smiled at them and gently asked them to open their seat tables for the midflight meal. 

**Author's Note:**

> I re read my own works and decided this one need to be shared more. This is based on (loosely) my own experience, so very personal. Writing this helped me went through the stages of maturity, lol.


End file.
